Life Is Lovely Y'know
by QueenGinny1629
Summary: The summer before Lily Evans' seventh year, tragedy strikes. Lily, still emotionally raw from her ordeal must face the whispers of her peers, her duty as Head Girl, friendship from surprising places, and the increasingly dangerous world she lives in.
1. How to Deal

_Disclaimer: _

_None of these characters are mine. They, along with the world they live in, are all property of the Great Creator known as J.K. Rowling. I have only come up with a plot based on a theory, which, in the greater picture, someone has probably imagined before. _

Chapter 1

How to Deal

It was a long train ride. It was funny how the journey had never seemed so long before. Usually it passed so quickly. Was it because she was distracted from the journey by friends? As she counted the 129th cow to pass her window she decided that must be it.

She really couldn't blame her friends for staying away. They had tried to be nice to her, of course. It was just so...awkward. They didn't know what it was like to deal with what she had to.  
She closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the seat. A voice floated to her from far away...

"You freak! I hate you! Look what you've done! He never would have found us, never! Get out! Get out!"  
She opened her eyes, tears clinging to her lashes. What had she done? Her sister was right. It was all her fault. She was the reason why both of them were now orphans. She was the reason her sister had to drop out of school and find a job.  
A sob shook her, and she put her head in her hands. So engrossed was she in her guilt and shame that she did not realize he was sitting next to her until he said her name.

She dashed the tears angrily away from eyes.

"What do you want James?" She had meant to sound tart but she just sounded tired.

He didn't respond, just looked at her. She didn't look away, but studied him. He seemed...different. She didn't know what it was. There was the same untidy hair, the same eyes, the same smile... No. Not the same smile. It wasn't smug. It was sad. And were those circles under his eyes? What was he losing sleep over?

He spoke, "I'm sorry about what happened to you and your family, Lily."

That was it. He lapsed back into silence. No prodding to talk, no fake cheerfulness, no bad jokes. That's what her friends had done, to comfort themselves more than anything.

"Thank you, James," she said at last.

The train pulled into the station, whistling joyfully. Without a word, he took her luggage. She was too tired to raise an argument like she usually would have. She wondered how his stuff would get inside and was about to ask, when she saw little Peter struggling with twice as many suitcases as normal. She shook her head. James, Sirius, and Remus always treated the poor Peter like a lackey.

She followed James to the carriages. Everyone made room for them, whispering as she passed. A few people tried to approach her, but all turned away after sharp looks from James. She felt small in this sea of people, as if she were no longer a part of the world around her. She clung to her small bag as if it were an anchor. He found an empty carriage, put her things inside, and stepped aside to let her in. He was about to close the door and walk away when she found her voice at last.

"Aren't you going to come with me?"

He raised his eyebrows at her desperate plea and grinned. "Sure. I'd just finally given up trying after all these years."  
She blushed, remembering all the times he had tried to get in her carriage only to be pushed out, hexed, and/or had the door slammed in his face.

He got in, sitting across from her, and the carriage trundled up the path to Hogwarts. The silence between them returned until they were within sight of the school. Both stuck their heads out the windows on each side, to glimpse the castle. It was beautiful. There were lights in every window, and the full moon emphasized its outline. It looked so familiar and welcoming that for the first time in a long time, Lily felt safe.

As they rounded the corner and Hogwarts once again vanished, they settled back down inside.

"I can't believe it's our last year," Lily sighed.

"I know. I can still remember crossing the lake. You pushed me in, if you recall."

She laughed, something she hadn't done in a while, and replied, "That's only because you tried to kiss me. McGonagall threatened to give me detention if I recall..."

"But I came to your rescue by saying I fancied a swim anyways..."

"And instead of thanking you, I yelled at you, saying I could stick up for myself."

They both laughed this time and continued reminiscing (tests, pranks, and that time that one girl tried to curse off her freckles and wound up with zits...) until the carriage came to a halt.

"Well," she said, flooded by sudden doubt on if she could make it through the school year.

James opened the door and stepped out, followed by Lily. They stood side by side and looked up at the place that had been their home for so long. For a moment, both managed to forget the troubles that haunted them. Then the far distant whistle of the Hogwarts Express brought them back. But the feeling of being home and safe still lingered, making life a little more bearable, for a moment at least.


	2. Whispers

**Chapter 2**

**Whispers**

She turned back to the carriage and saw the Thestral that drew it. It brought back all the feelings of guilt and sorrow she had managed to leave behind for a moment. She reached out and touched its glossy black coat. She held back images that threatened to surface. A hand joined hers on the Thestral. So he could see them too, she thought.

"Prongs!" someone called.

His hand disappeared from its place besides her and she heard him reply, "Padfoot! Over here!"  
She turned to find that two people had joined them. There was the smiling handsome face of Sirius Black. Next to him was little Peter Pettigrew. He too had a smile.

"Sorry 'bout what happened Evans. Really sucks," Sirius said gravely, a somber look replacing his smile.

"Horrible," Peter agreed, copying his friend's expression.

"Moony, Remus I mean, sends along his condolences too," Sirius added.

"Where is he?" Lily asked, realizing how odd it was for him to not be there. Usually if those three were there, the fourth would be too.

All three quickly shared a glance.  
"Y'know, I don't know," said Sirius, his grin slowly returning.

"Perhaps we should look for him," suggested James.

"Definitely," Peter finished.

All three now wore the same sly smile. "Bye, Evans," Sirius said as he turned away, dragging Peter who waved.

"Are you going to be okay, Lily?" James asked before he left with his friends.

She was a bit angry now and she didn't know why. Before this, she would have been happy that James would be leaving her alone. She decided it must be because he was acting natural around her and not all awkward because of what had happened. Besides, that excuse was easier than the confusing one trying to make itself known.

"Of course, Potter. I'm a big girl," she finally snapped in reply.

He laughed. "There's the Evans I know and love," he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek before jogging away.

"Don't get too close to the lake, Potter!" she shouted at his quickly retreating back. He turned around and blew her another kiss.

She turned and headed towards the Great Hall, energized by the familiar exchange with James.  
But her mood didn't last. It was impossible to ignore the glances and whispers.

"So sad..."  
"Squibs, you know..."  
"Orphan now, her and her sis..."  
"You-know-who hisself..."  
"Murdered..."  
"Killed..."  
"Dead."

All around her the whispers came like, cutting her like knives. The students around her gave her a wide berth, none meeting her eyes. People fell abruptly silent when she drew even with them, their murmured conversations continuing after she passed, following her as she made her way hurriedly down the hall. She kept her head held high as she strode down the hallway, but each whispered comment, even the most sympathetic ones, cut her.

Finally she could no longer keep the act up. She stepped into an empty classroom, shutting the door against the whispers. The silence of the room wrapped around her like welcoming arms. Slowly she slid down the door until she sat on the ground with her knees folded in. She placed her head in her hands and sat in her self made prison of guilt.


	3. Firewhiskey Lullaby

Chapter 3 Firewhiskey Lullaby

She was pulled out of her misery a few hours later by the sound of hundreds of feet trudging out in the hallway. She lifted her head slowly, feeling the stiffness in her back. She got shakily to her feet that had long ago fallen asleep. She idly stamped them, trying to get the circulation back before trying to walk. She listened for the noise in the hall to stop before she dared to open the door. When all was silent, she slid into the hallway and wondered about what to do. Her stomach rumbled, happily giving her an idea. Her feet automatically began the journey towards the kitchens.

"Lily Evans, miss!" the head house-elf Menky squeaked. "Is Miss still hungry? We have leftover food from the feast, miss," she gestured and several house-elves scurried over proffering platters. "Or Menky could make miss something if she wants."

Lily smiled at the eager little faces surrounding her. They looked at her with smiles on their faces and innocence in their eyes. Bitterly she thought how she had been as innocent as them. The knot of guilt in her stomach twisted, causing all sensation of hunger to disappear. She wanted something to make these feelings go away, something to numb her. A vague thought entered her head and she turned towards Menky. "No thanks, Menky. I'm not hungry, just thirsty…"

An hour later she stumbled up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Taking a swig from the bottle she held in her left hand, she stared at the painting. The Fat Lady was gently snoring, her hair in curlers. Lily opened her mouth to say the password but closed it again. She realized that she, Head Girl, didn't know the password. It was funny really. She of all people should know the password. She giggled. Six years of hard work and she didn't even know the password. She started laughing harder. First day of being Head Girl, and here she was drunk and stuck outside her dormitory. She was having trouble catching her breath so she leaned against the stone wall for support, and wound up sitting on the ground.

She took another sip from her bottle. The Firewhiskey burned as it flowed down her throat, distracting her from the bad thoughts in her head. Lily glanced at the Fat Lady again from her position sitting on the floor, and the giggle resulting from the sheer ridiculousness of the painting turned into a hiccup. She looked away from the painting and drank more of the fiery liquid. The little voice that had been yelling at her the entire time she had been convincing Menky to give her the bottle had long fallen silent. She couldn't really remember why she had wanted the bottle so badly but soon forgot the thought with another healthy dose of the liquor. Suddenly tired, she stretched full length onto the cold stone ground, clutching the Firewhiskey to her like a child to a doll, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

They found her as the first lights of dawn were coming through the window, slightly snoring, the bottle still firmly clasped to her breast. He ran a worried hand through his untidy dark hair before stepping out from under the Invisibility Cloak. He gently worked the Firewhiskey out of her grasp and handed it to the patch of air beside him that contained his three invisible friends. She stirred slightly as he picked her up, but made no sound. He wrinkled his nose at the smell of alcohol that came from her, but held her firmly. He woke the Fat Lady and murmured to her the password, climbing inside as best he could without waking his precious burden.


	4. Memory Waltz

**Chapter 4**

**Memory Waltz**

Lily lightly floated into consciousness from the realm of sleep. As she became aware of the pillow under her cheek and the itch on her leg, she wondered what her mother was making for breakfast. She wondered what her sister would have to say about the party she went to the night before and what her father would say about the fact she had come home two hours after curfew. Lily definitely did not want to miss that.

Eyes still closed, she stretched, aware of an odd stiffness in her neck and back, as if she had been sleeping on a hard surface. She sat up, her head pounding slightly. Slowly, she opened her eyes. Soft morning light shone through the windows, the light of a sun that had risen not long before. She stared at the light, eyes slightly squinting, letting it lead her to the stone grey of the wall opposite the window. She followed the curve of the wall bemusedly to each of the four-posters that stood in the room, their occupants asleep. Gradually, painfully, memories from the past few months came forth from the fog that permeated her mind.

She groaned, leaning her aching head onto her knees. Her memory started returning faster, as if spurred on by the pain it was causing. Images swirled in a dizzying array of light and sound; half-glimpsed faces full of joy and sorrow, delight and fear; shouts, screaming, laughter, and tears all combined until she felt her head would explode.

Then they stopped. The crazy waltz of memories halted as the worst among them surfaced. Again she heard the shouts that had woken her, the silencing hand of her sister over her mouth. Again she saw the tall cloaked figure as she looked one last time over her shoulder, before following the urgent squeeze her sister gave her hand…

No. Stop. Lily didn't want to see anymore.

"No," she whispered opening her eyes.

She was running down the deserted street, hand-in-hand with Petunia…

"No," she said louder.

Screams echoed down the empty road, following her, haunting her. Then that burst of acid green light, lighting the night like a diseased sun before it was gone along with all the sound…

"No!" she screamed, tumbling out of bed and grasping for her wand. Not feeling it she held up her fists. Hands gripped her shoulders and she spun with a useless curse on her lips and tears in her eyes. She sent her fists to work, pounding on the chest of whoever held her, her mouth spitting curses. The curses died on her tongue as he gently lowered her arms, his glassless eyes on her face. She was confused, no longer sure of what was real and what wasn't, trying to see through the green of memory and the red of rage.

"Lily," he murmured, wiping the tear rolling slowly down her cheek.

"James?" No, it couldn't be. This was more man than boy. This person standing in front of her lacked the mischievous smile, the sly glint in the eye. Yet it could only be him.

"James," she repeated again, grasping onto the name in her mind like an anchor.

The tears she had been fighting with rage and numbing alcohol for an eternity or two fell in a silent waterfall on James' shoulder. He stroked her hair gently, humming an old slow waltz his mother used to sing to him when he was upset as a child until he felt her relax and her ragged breath slow to the rhythm of sleep. He gently laid her back on his bed, watching her face relaxed in slumber. He kissed her forehead before dropping onto the nest he had made between his bed and Sirius'.

While he stared at the ceiling he wished for something he never thought he would. He wished that they could all return to the time when Lily wouldn't speak to him much less cry on his shoulder and the biggest thing he had to worry about was how bad Slytherin would cheat in the next match.

James sighed and rolled over onto his side to look up at Lily once more. Wishing was useless, he knew. "You always wanted to be her knight in shining armor, James," he thought before falling asleep.


	5. The Morning After

**Chapter 5**

**The Morning After**

Lily woke again when the sun was high in the sky, filling the dormitory with pure golden rays. This time she woke with her memory intake and the events of earlier regarded as a disturbing dream. As she sat up she expected and accepted the headache and sore throat as reminders of her lapse of judgment.

She squinted in the bright light and waited for the remnants of dream fog to drift from her mind. As her eyes adjusted, a horrid realization struck her. She was not in her dormitory. This was not the room she had been sleeping in with the other girls of her year for the past seven years.

"Bloody flock," she muttered.

"Flock? That's a new one," a quiet voice said from the bed to her left. It was definitely not a feminine voice, dashing the faint hope she had that she had simply gone into the first girls' dormitory she had found.

She closed her eyes, hoping that this was another dream.

"Don't worry, Lily. I don't bite," the voice said and added in an undertone, "Not during the day at least."

The voice sounded familiar, though deeper and harsher than what she was used to.

"Remus?" she asked timidly.

"Yes?"

She let out a sigh of relief. What she started to fear had happened couldn't have happened if Remus was near.

She opened her eyes and looked to her left. Remus was sitting up in his bed, a copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander in his right hand and a goblet with wafts of heat lingering at the lip in his left. He took a sip of the steaming concoction and grimaced.

"Where are we?" she asked, already knowing the answer, but vainly wishing that there may be a different one.

"Third bed to the right of the door with the best view, Gryffindor seventh year boys' dormitory at the top of the staircase, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, presumably somewhere in the Scottish countryside, the United Kingdom, North-eastern hemisphere, the world, the Milky Way, and so on," he said turning the page by nodding at the book. "But you know most of that."

She dropped back on her pillows and silently gathered her strength for the next question. "Whose bed does this happen to be?"

"James' of course. Oh don't look so shocked Lily. He slept on the floor last night. Really, you could show a little more trust in the man. He loves you after all. And before you start that rant-" she bit her tongue and held back the tide of words that had been on its tip, "you were the one that the four of us found passed out clutching a bottle of Firewhiskey to you like a doll. I know you went through some rough times this summer but I thought you of all people would be able to talk about it instead of drowning your sorrows in a bottle. Poor Peter thought you had tried to poison yourself or something. He kept asking James if you were still breathing.

"And do you know what you put Menky through? She came up this morning crying to check on you. Even brought you some of those pastries you like and some coffee," he gestured towards the plate on the cabinet heaped with flaky croissants and the thermos as he got out of bed, slipping on his dressing gown.

"And you'd think you could show a little more gratitude that we were the ones to find you. You may be Head Girl now and have amnesty from some rules, but if a teacher or Filch had found you, you'd be facing suspension."

He brought her a mug filled with the rich black coffee and a croissant.

"Here," he said, shoving them at her and shuffling back to his own bed, stopping on the way for his own croissant.

"A whole bottle?" he continued in an amazed tone, continuing his lecture while getting back into his bed. "How could you finish a whole damn bottle of _Firewhiskey_ for God's sake? That stuff is strong. The four of us couldn't finish off a bottle and that was with Sirius who can drink a decanter of Bouncing Ferrets with a Twist by himself. I'd be impressed if I weren't so damn worried you'll fall into a spiraling pit of depression and alcoholism."

She stared at him in shock for she had never heard him speak so passionately before. He was usually so quiet and soft-spoken. Before any of the points he had made could penetrate her aching head he spoke again:

"I'm sorry Lily. I'm not feeling well and I'm taking it out on the first person I can. You just gave us quite a turn last night. Last person we ever expected to see passed out in the hall. It freaked out even Sirius which, I have to admit, was very amusing."

She arched her eyebrows in disbelief. She doubted very much that anything could shock Sirius. His dare-devilry was as legendary as the flying motorcycle he got for his birthday was loud.

"It's true. Anyway, good thing the first fell on a Saturday this year. But you overslept the Heads' meeting with Professor Dumbledore. James is there right now."

She groaned, "Excellent way to start the year. 'Sorry I wasn't there, sir. But I was getting over a hangover you see.'"

He laughed and was about to say something when from the doorway someone spoke.

"Don't worry about it, Evans. I told the headmaster you weren't feeling like yourself. He sends his regrets and that he would like to see you as soon as you 'feel up to it.'"

James was leaning casually against the doorframe, his Head Boy pin jauntily stuck onto his cloak, glinting in the light from the sun. The sight of him there irritated her and made her heart pound at the same time.

"Thanks Potter. But you can stop being my white knight, riding to my rescue on your gallant steed."

"I'll stop being your knight as soon as you stop being a damsel in distress trapped in a tower," he shot back, stepping into the room.

She threw back the covers of the bed and stood up. She grabbed her badge from the bedside table and bent to snatch her wand from the floor where it had fallen during the night. She shoved both items into her pocket and took a step, promptly tripping over the pile of blankets that James had used to sleep in. His arms shot out and caught her. She quickly straightened herself out and pushed him away.

"Stop doing stuff like that!" she shouted, brushing past him and stamping down the stairs. He closed his eyes in exasperation and muttered "Women." Then he remembered something he was supposed to tell her and ran to the doorway, threw it open and shouted "**_Mars Bars!_**" to her retreating back.


	6. Mars Bars

**Chapter 6**

**Mars Bars**

"Mars Bars? What the hell does that mean?" she thought angrily as she reached the bottom of the staircase.

Distracted by her annoyance at James and his cryptic messages, she collided with a group of first year girls coming down the girls' staircase. She muttered an apology while helping a small brunette up. As she started to walk away, she felt their eyes on her back and muffled giggles. Pushed past her last nerve, she spun around.

"Well?" she demanded.

The girls fell silent but one questioned, "What were you doing in the boys' dormitories?" This caused another wave of girlish giggling.

Lily felt the heat rising to her face as she stammered, "I was just…I mean I was…The thing is…None of your business."

The girl who spoke was the brunette Lily had knocked over. She cocked an eyebrow at her answer. Sirius, in the meantime, had been standing unobserved listening to the exchange. A slow grin had been growing as he planned on how to make Lily even angrier, figuring anything, including anger, would be better than the grief that drove her to drink last night.

He sauntered up to Lily and threw his arm casually around her shoulders.

"Morning Evans," he chirruped. "Hope you got a good night's rest. I sure didn't. Did you know you snore quite loudly?"

He beamed at the first years who looked scandalized. His smile grew, exposing his canines as he said innocently, "I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression about Evans and me here. She wasn't snoring in my ear or anything. She was all the way over in James' bed after all."

He felt Lily stiffen and quickly turned to run up the stairs. He heard the soft whiz of a spell then felt the wind it made as it passed the space where his tail would be if he had one.

Lily turned back towards the girls who were regarding her with looks of equal parts awe and fear. A couple of them had never before seen magic performed so when Lily pointed her wand casually at them, they cowered a bit.

She pulled out her Head Girl badge with her free hand and pinned it on. Quietly she told the first years, "One word. I hear one word about this or even hinting at this and you'll have detention."

She spun on her heel and left Gryffindor Tower, hearing the girls angry voices before the Fat Lady swung shut.

"A hangover, smartass first years, and abusing power. What a wonderful way to start the day," she thought as she headed down the hall to the Headmaster's office.

It was bright and sunny, a perfect summer's day. Students were outside strolling, sunning on the lawn, or playing with the giant squid. Everyone, including professors, seemed to be outside enjoying their last free day before having to be locked up inside Monday morning. It was a rare treat when the first fell on a Saturday and the students along with the staff had a day to enjoy Hogwarts' grounds with no work waiting inside its walls.

Lily turned from the window wishing she good join the carefree, frolicking students. Instead she faced the stone gargoyle that marked the entrance to Dumbledore's office. She stood staring expectantly at it for a few minutes before it spoke.

"Do you know the password or don't you?"

Lily started. In a world where nearly any lock could be undone with a simple charm, passwords prevailed.

"Er…" she stalled while going over everything James had said to her. He hadn't mentioned anything about a password.

"I haven't got all day," the gargoyle muttered grumpily.

Suddenly it hit her like a Whomping Willow limb. "Mars Bars," she said authoritatively.

It grudgingly swung open with an exaggerated sigh and she thought she heard it mutter "No respect these days for guards." She rolled her eyes and stepped onto the spiralling staircase and began her slow ascent towards Dumbledore's office.

After what felt like years yet no time at all, she stood in front of the closed door to the Headmaster's office. She nervously straightened her robes and ran her fingers through her hair. After a moment of thought she checked her breath and then wrinkled her nose. It smelled of stale alcohol. She took out her wand and pointed it at her mouth.

"_Purgo!"_ she murmured. A cool tingle filled her mouth. She checked again and this time a fresh mint scent reached her nostrils. Satisfied, she raised her fist and rapped on the door.

"Ah, Miss Evans," said a soft voice that issued from behind the closed door. "Come in, come in. I've been expecting you."

With a deep breath, she turned the knob and stepped into the office to greet the owner of the voice.


	7. Phoenix Song

**Chapter 7**

**Phoenix Song**

His back was to her as she entered the room. He looked out the window, head cocked at a thoughtful angle. She closed the door with a soft thud, but he didn't turn around. She stood just inside the doorway awkwardly. Her gaze roamed around the room, taking in the portraits that covered the walls, the new curious looking instruments that the headmaster had found since she had last been inside, and finally resting on the elegant scarlet bird on its perch.

It returned her gaze and trilled a few happy notes that made her smile. Then, much to her surprise, it lifted its wings in a careless manner and flew to her, settling on the chair back next to her. It cocked its head at her, an imitation of the man at the window.

"Hello, Fawkes," she murmured and gently stroked the friendly phoenix on the head.

Fawkes sang to her again. Dumbledore chose that time to finally turn around. Girl and bird looked at him with nervousness and curiosity respectively. He assessed the two over the top of his half-moon spectacles, a bemused smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

"I see my dear friend has welcomed you back before I have. Then again, he always has been the better host," he moved behind his desk and gestured for her to take a seat in the chair Fawkes balanced on.

She slid into the chair, reassured by his good humour. Surely, she thought, if he knew of her previous night's escapades he wouldn't be so genial. She smiled at him with confidence and said, "It's nice to see you again, sir."

He bowed his head to accept her comment then turned in his chair to face the window once more. Steepling his fingers he said in an offhand tone, "Such a pleasant day. It would be a shame to sit inside and waste its beauty. Fresh air does such marvels for headaches as well." He glanced sideways at her.

Her smile faltered, "Headaches, sir?" At that moment her head gave a painful throb, reminding her once more of her night.

"Mr. Potter mentioned something about you feeling unwell…" he started, a knowing look in his eyes.

"Yes," she said quickly, catching on. "Yes, the trip here this year seemed longer. I guess it took more out of me than usual."

"Ah, I see," he replied, an undercurrent of amusement in his voice. "But to get down to business. I don't feel like I need to list your duties as Head Girl. You have shown you are well versed in your responsibilities during your time as a prefect. Your job is very much the same, except now you have more power," he paused and smiled at her. "I have no worries that you'll abuse that power," she squirmed a bit when he said this, flashing on the first years, "But will help keep your fellow Heads in line."

He leaned closer and whispered, "I think Professor McGonagall is worried I've finally gone senile by appointing Mr. Potter as Head Boy. I think you can handle him though." He winked and returned to his former posture.

"Now, any questions?"

Lily slowly shook her head, shocked that she was apparently getting away with her late night crime. She felt a growing knot of guilt in her stomach. She had the urge to confess her rule-breaking and just accept the consequences.

"Is there something wrong, Miss Evans? Something you want to tell me?" Dumbledore asked, the light-heartedness gone from his expression and replaced with concern.

"I…er…" and then everything hit her like a wave crashing into a storm wall. Her parents' death, the shunning by her sister, the whispers from her classmates, last night's law-abiding slip, and the inexplicable kindness from the boy she loathed. All that she had been repressing for the past month flooded her conscious, triggered by her headmaster's kind words and, to Lily's horror, she began to weep in front of the man she respected most in the world.

She was disgusted with herself, but just couldn't stop. She buried her head in her hands, feeling her shoulders shuddering uncontrollably, and just hoped it would pass. Then, as from a great distance, she heard Fawkes begin to sing. It wasn't his usual jovial tune, but a slow, bitter-sweet waltz like tune that sounded vaguely familiar. It sounded as if the phoenix was telling her it was okay, that this was natural, as it should be. That death was a time to mourn a loss and also a time to rejoice in life.

As his song ended, so did her tears. She lowered her hands and saw that Fawkes' head rested on her knee. He chirruped at her when he met her eyes then ambled away. She raised her head to see that Dumbledore was now leaning against the front of his desk. A look of sadness and surprise played on his face. She gazed at him questioningly.

"I intended to offer you some comfort, but Fawkes, who surpasses me in wisdom, knew better," he explained then added softly, "He hasn't done that in a very long time."

He produced a handkerchief from the air and Lily took it appreciatively.

"I wish things were different, Lily. So many things I wish were changed in this world to make it an easier place for you and your classmates to grow up in." There was a deep sadness in his voice, and a troubled look of someone with too much knowledge in his eyes.

"Wishing will get us nowhere though. It rarely does, even when one does find a competent and nonmalevolent djinn around. We can only take action to improve our world. There is an…" he paused and looked at her.

Lily wondered what he saw. Probably what she felt like- a tear-stained young woman who was still very much as lost little girl.

He shook his head slowly and she heard him say softly, more to himself than her, "It will keep."

Dumbledore placed his hands on her tear soaked cheeks and said to her, "I cannot begin to imagine your pain, Lily. Your parents were good people who did nothing to harm others and held no malice to the world they were born into but couldn't take part in. In the few times I met them, I could see how you became such the outstanding girl you are. Though you can no longer see them, touch them, or hear them, remember- beyond this physical plane, there are others. We cannot begin to understand it. Perhaps it is enough to know that they continue to exist, both in their own way, and within our minds and hearts."

She nodded to show she understood, and she did, a little. He patted her cheeks in a grandfatherly fashion and turned once more to the window. Slowly, he started to chuckle. Lily turned to the window to see what was so amusing at this serious moment. She couldn't stop the grin that slowly spread across her face.

Four boys wearing nothing but swim trunks and goggles clung to their own tentacle of the Giant Squid while the creature waved them around, plunging them quickly into the water of the lake and then back into the air. Occasionally one was thrown from his mount but someone had put a spell around the lake that slowed a person's otherwise bone-breaking descent. She could recognize the shouts and laughter of Lupin, Pettigrew, Black, and Potter even from that distance.

"I'll have to put a stop to that before everyone decides it's a good way to cool off," Dumbledore commented with mock gravity. "Though I seem to remember doing something very similar when I was a pupil here, but with decidedly less…equipment on."

Lily snorted and he turned to smile at her.

"I think this meeting has taken longer than you may have wished. Go out and enjoy the last day before classes. Maybe take a ride on the squid before my responsible self returns from holiday."

She started for the door then turned, "Aren't you going to go out, sir?"

He sat behind his desk and gestured to a pile of paper, "Alas, I have to finish some paperwork that I have pretended didn't exist."

She nodded and as she stepped out the door hear him say wistfully, "It's times like these when I wish I had a stiff drink."

She froze and turned her head to look at him. He gave no notice of her continued presence, but she thought she saw him wink. With a slight shake of her head, she closed the door and hurried outside.

As she stood on the steps with the sun shining on her face and the sounds of laughter in her ears, she didn't feel as apart from everyone the night before. She felt as if she were on the brink of some great understanding. She nearly skipped down the steps to join the other spectators standing on the lakeshore and, for the second time that day, barrelled into someone.


	8. Oil and Water

**Chapter 8**

**Oil and Water**

The force of the impact sent Lily sprawling on the ground. She lay for a few minutes staring at the sky in a daze, surprised by her sudden change in perspective. She gingerly picked herself up, looking around to see who was the latest victim of her sudden bout of clumsiness. In front of her someone was picking up books and papers that had obviously been scattered when they had crashed. The person's face was obscured by dark, lanky, greasy hair—but she recognized the figure nonetheless.

She grabbed the battered copy of Advanced Potions that had fallen near her feet along with a piece of parchment full of small cramped writing. Clearing her throat she launched into an apology, "Terribly sorry. I seem to be far from my graceful self today. I apologize for knocking your things out of your hands," she hastily shoved the book and parchment at him, noticing his expression that was devoid of emotion. Feeling the silence stretch between them, she started speaking once more, "Again, so sorry. I guess I just didn't…er…see you there, Sn—Severus." His name came out awkwardly from her tongue. She was used to using his surname, but it seemed inappropriate for a polite conversation.

"Evans," he spoke at last, obviously not sharing her sentiments on the use of the last names, "I accept your apology. It is understandable given the events of your summer. To have your life touched by the dark—You-Know-Who must be quite a shock."

She had bowed her head when he had mentioned her summer but snapped it back up when he nearly called her parents' murderer "the Dark Lord." Her eyes narrowed when she heard the way his oily voice caressed the title "You-Know-Who" when most whispered it or trailed off, knowing the listener would know whom was meant.

"Thank you for your…concern," she said primly when she realized he was done speaking.

Excusing herself, she briskly walked towards the lake. She glanced back once to see Snape watching her, an expression of curiosity on his face, his books and papers clutched protectively to his chest. Deeply shaken, she continued at a near sprint to the shade of one of the weeping willows that lined lake. Only when she had reached the shelter of its curtain-like branches did she dare to look back once more, but he had vanished.

She sat on the grass and leaned against the tree's sturdy trunk. She closed her eyes, Snape's eerie tone and expression. Laughter reached her inside her sanctuary as students continued to enjoy the antics of the four boys, but once again she felt remote from it all.

She sat in the common room, idly flipping through a copy of _Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul _that someone had left lying on the floor next to the armchair she sat in. It was the middle of October and the first visitation to the little village. The entire month had been stormy but by some divine intervention this Saturday had dawned clear and crisp—much to the joy of all the students allowed to go to Hogsmeade.

Lily had spent the earlier part of the day at the village, window shopping with her friends in an effort to reconnect with them. Again and again she'd have to ask someone to repeat what they'd just said or found herself surrounded by laughter at some joke she hadn't caught. Annoyed at herself, she had made up an excuse about a half-finished Potions essay which thankfully her friends hadn't questioned (though they had all exchanged resigned looks she couldn't help noticing).

She had hurried back to the castle, feeling their disappointment like a cloud behind her, their concerned whispering filling her ears with a dull buzz. She kept her mind blank as her feet followed the familiar path to the Gryffindor common room, murmured _luctu ploratis_ to the Fat Lady, and let out a sigh when she found the room blissfully empty.

And now she was sitting in an overstuffed armchair by the fire that crackled merrily, the book of bad omens open in her lap—her silent declaration of "This. This is my life. Bad omen after bad omen." She snorted bitterly as this thought crossed her mind as she stared at the fire.

Lily sank farther into the chair, letting in all her pain at last. She had kept it away by burying herself in homework, NEWT review, and her Head Girl duties. Now, after bothering all her professors to finally giving her all the work in advance, she was done with all her work through the Christmas holiday, could rattle off the answer to almost any question ever known to be asked on the NEWT, and the sound of her purposeful strides down a hallway sent shivers down all students backs—whether they were doing anything wrong at the moment or not. She had nothing now, nothing to keep away the memories of the summer that haunted her, nothing to keep her from dwelling on her lack of any form of communication with Petunia, nothing to bury the lingering embarrassment of her first night back at Hogwarts.

So she let herself spiral into that hole of self-pity that disgusted her and comforted her. No tears came, she was beyond that. No, she simply wondered why. Why? Of course other people had lost loved ones fighting against _him_. Aurors, ministry officials, outspoken witches and wizards, and the occasional muggle or squib relation had all been killed by Death Eaters or some other form of minion that _he_ possessed. But why had that self-styled lord Voldermort chosen to come to _her_ house that horrid night, had chosen to kill _her_ parents with his own wand?

How casual his voice had sounded when he hissed _Avada Kedavra_, the words echoing into the street and into her heart as she had fled everything she had ever known hand-in-hand with the sister who the next day would refuse to touch her.

Some part of Lily said that if she could just find out why he had done it, she could rest easy. That with the mystery solved she could laugh again, be happy, and move past that night—let her grief subside from the darkest of black to the grey of something remembered faintly. But at the same time another voice asked what the point was. What had happened had happened and enlightenment on why would change nothing—just move on. And yet another part wanted to pull the grief around her like a quilt, wrap herself in its darkness and let it numb everything else.

Lily's eyes moved from the dancing flames to the window, shocked to find that at some point darkness had fallen. Still the common room remained empty, though she seemed vaguely aware of some of the younger students drifting in and out of it earlier. "Must be around supper," she thought absentmindedly before returning her gaze to the fire. She felt them growing heavier but felt too lethargic to even entertain the thought of moving from her chair and scale the stairs that led to her dormitory. So instead she curled her legs underneath her and tilted her head to rest against the side of the armchair. With a small sigh she whispered, "Just until everyone else gets back…then I'll go to bed…" and fell asleep.

At some point she heard her name being whispered and a hand lightly shaking her shoulder.

"Wassamadder?" she asked groggily, keeping her eyes firmly shut and feeling someone gently pulling her to her feet.

"Up you get, Lily love," the voice whispered again, a voice that clicked as male in her foggy brain.

"Whoyoucallinlub?" she slurred groggily trying to open her eyes but the dim light of the common room was too much for them and she shut them again promptly, swaying a bit.

The voice ignored her and the hand (the more conscious part of her determined that it belonged to the voice) turned into an arm that supported her tired slump.

"Honestly, stop moaning. If you had just taken her up earlier when you had seen her, you wouldn't have been so rudely awoken now," the voice scolded some unseen person or persons, still in a whisper.

Something began to seem familiar about the voice but she was too tired to think about it. How had she gotten so tired? Oh yes, grief had a rather draining effect. She slumped further, letting her head fall to her chest in exhaustion.

"…You on this side and you on this side," the voice ordered and she felt the strong and strangely comforting arm leave. Her arms were placed around two sets of shoulders on either side of her and she heard distinctly feminine grumbles as she let her full weight rest on them.

"Now Lily, just stay awake long enough to get up the stairs. Tomorrow is Sunday and you can have a nice lie-in," the familiar voice whispered to her in a warm tone.

She must have given some sign of that she understood because she was suddenly being half-dragged forward. As she felt herself stumbling up the stairs with her grumbling guides, she heard someone humming a waltz tune that she recalled from a dream, the sound seeming to gently push her forward to where she could finally rest peacefully.


End file.
